Some Rules For Life In No Particular Order

Rule #27:

Never drive behind a van with ladders on its roof. The same goes for pickup trucks with ladders in the bed. Being a good roofer/exterior contractor does not necessarily grant one the ability to tie good knots.

Rule #5:

The stress of worrying that you’ll forget something on vacation is often more costly than just shelling out the five bucks for a toothbrush at the local 7-11 equivalent.

Rule #5a:

This does not apply if the vacation involves, say, camping in the Alaskan wilderness.

Rule #5b:

If you do not have a toothbrush in the Alaskan wilderness, you can brush your teeth using the end of a charred stick. Take care to verify that it is “charred” and not “actively on fire.”

Rule #43:

If you have trouble motivating yourself to start something, make a detailed list. Sub-divide tasks into component parts so you can feel a sense of satisfaction each time you make progress, rather than feeling overwhelmed by the entire project. For example, divide “do the laundry” into “sort lights and darks,” “load the machine”, “realize a red shirt went in with the lights,” “debate whether pink undershirts are noticeable,” “resolve to overcome color-based gender norms,” “lose confidence as you replay childhood memories of challenges to your masculinity,” “consider that you really need to replace some of your dustrags,” “drive to Target.”

Rule #5c:

A pink undershirt could probably be used to hail a rescuer if you were lost in the Alaskan wilderness. The rescue pilot probably would not judge you. Much.

Rule #5d:

If your vacation involves camping in the Alaskan wilderness, you may not be aware that there are travel options which do not carry the risk of being eaten by bears.

Rule #12:

Plenty of things taste as good, or better than, thin feels. These include chili-cheese fries, chili dogs, chili, the Fried Sausage Bucket at Nine Fine Irishmen at New York New York in Las Vegas, and the Portuguese fried dough snack known as a “fartura”.

Rule #5e:

There are no farturas in the Alaskan wilderness, as far as anyone knows. It’s possible they were eaten by bears.

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One Response to Some Rules For Life In No Particular Order

  1. Jim says:

    You made me laugh for the first time today.

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